The D Word

Hey gang. Look! Here I am, doing a thing I said I was going to do! It feels good, and it’s outside the norm for me. That’s not because I’m lazy (although I am definitely that), or because I’m just a big flake – it’s because of today’s topic:

D E P R E S S I O N

***Warning: Things are about to get a little heavy. Depression is, and this may come as a shock to you, depressing. Generally I prefer to stick to lighter fare, but this is something I think is really important to talk about, particularly because of the stigma that still exists surrounding seeking help/treatment. I also think it’s important for me to explain my specific experience with it, since I am not remotely what most people think of when they hear “depression”. There are misconceptions surrounding this topic and how it affects people, and I can only give my account – we’re all different, and no two people experience it in exactly the same way – but I want to give it because I’m not embarrassed, and the only way we’re going to get everybody to feel comfortable discussing it is to discuss it. Enter at your own risk.***

As many of you might be aware, when I was 24 I was diagnosed with depression. Over the years, I have realized that I have been dealing with it for much longer - I had observant high school teachers (thank you, Mrs. Federwitz and Mrs. Abreu) ask me if I was depressed. My dad tried quite a few times to convince me to see somebody about it, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy” (something that I admit still bothers me), and I didn’t want to have to take pills to feel normal. It seemed like admitting I was depressed would be overdramatic, and would be akin to saying “I’m a big fuck-up who can’t figure out how to be a person”. Stigmas gonna stig.

I gave in when I failed a semester of college. I failed it so hard that I was placed on academic suspension, which I (thankfully) successfully appealed, on the condition that I’d get help. My depression had trapped me - I couldn't get out of bed because I couldn't face going to class, and I couldn't face going because I had already missed it because I couldn't get out of bed...you get the idea. It was a vicious cycle. Wake up, feel too anxious to leave, feel guilty about not leaving, go to work, go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When I went to the UWO counseling center, I met a woman named Kim Charniak. I told her what was happening, and how scared I was. I sat in her office and cried because I didn’t spend time with my friends anymore and didn’t know what I would do if I was suspended. I cried because I could hardly bring myself to leave the house, and I was always someone who thrived on social interaction. I cried because nothing was fun or interesting to me anymore. I cried because I felt like I was ruining my own life and had no idea how to stop. She assured me that I was not a fuck-up.

What followed was a series of visits to the student health center, questionnaires, and long conversations about my options. The main ways of handling mental illness involve medication, therapy, or, most likely, a combination of the two. Since I knew I could visit the counseling center for free, I opted to try meds and therapy together, and I do not regret it.

A major problem with the way we as a society view depression is that people who have never experienced it tend to see it as an attitude problem. “You just have to cheer up and stop dwelling on it.” On the one hand, I can see that. From the outside just sounds like people are mopey or lazy and don’t want to do things or whatever. On the other hand, motherfucker don’t you think I have tried that already? Trust me, you’re not the first person to suggest that I just stop being depressed. I would LOVE if that was how this worked, and my life would be approximately one thousand times easier.

The simple fact is that this is an issue with brain chemistry. People think it’s stupid to treat things like diabetes with “natural cures” because it *is*stupid, and a really good way to die from something easily treatable. But those same people will tell you that, if you’re depressed, all you need is to meditate, or work out, or get more sleep, or try essential oils. Those things aren’t going to help my brain produce the right amount of serotonin, dude. If we talked about mental illness the same way we talk about physical ailments, holy shit the world would be so much better.

Another thing I’d like to say, and I cannot stress this enough, is that taking meds is in NO WAY a cop-out. Any person who’s ever had to take them can tell you. The first problem is that there are tons of different medications out there, and there’s no way to immediately pinpoint the right one, you have to go by trial and error. And it’s not like “Try this one today, and if you don’t like it we’ll try another tomorrow.” The average antidepressant takes up to 6 weeks before enough is built up in your system for you to notice a difference.

Then you have to contend with side effects. These pills alter your brain chemistry, and many of them carry a risk of suicidal thoughts, which you might notice is exactly the opposite of what we’re hoping they’ll do. Barring that, you might experience increased appetite, decreased appetite, yawning, hiccups, insomnia, irritability, sweating, or a whole host of other weird and annoying shit. My meds make me sweat at the merest suggestion of heat, which I hate, but I hate being depressed way worse.

So meds aren’t easy, but sometimes they are all that works. I mentioned doing meds and therapy, but currently, because I don’t have health insurance, I can’t afford therapy. Even *with* insurance it’s generally still really expensive because a lot of plans don’t place much importance on its availability. Honestly, I can barely afford my meds – without insurance they cost me ~$300 per month, and this is for generic stuff. Thankfully the app GoodRx exists, and I’m able to get them for about $46/month instead. But yeah, that added stress doesn’t make having depression any easier.

My point is that depression is a confusing, debilitating, frustrating, soul-sucking monster that is vastly misunderstood, because it’s impossible to *truly* understand it without experiencing it yourself. It sucks, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody ever. It is not a thing that can be cured, it’s something that must be treated and maintained over the course of the sufferer’s life. 

Because of my depression, I have trouble keeping plans I make, or making them in the first place. It's not because I don't like you or don't want to see you, it's just that sometimes the idea of having to go somewhere and be a person is overwhelming. I'll stress so bad about social engagements that I legitimately feel sick. I have to take sleeping pills some nights because my brain won't shut up about things I'm mad about, or excited about, or that I just know. I'm hard to be around sometimes, and I'm insanely lucky to have someone as patient and caring as Isaiah, because I know what I'm like.

So why write about it? Because the worst thing we can do for people with depression is keep quiet about it. I won’t. It exists, and it sucks, and I hate it. But I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. This is just how my brain works, so I’m doing what I need to do. It’s ok not to be ok. I want to do my part to destigmatize this too-common condition, and the best way I can think to do that is to run my fucking mouth about it, and we all know how I love to do that.

If you’re depressed, just know you’re not alone. If you need to vent, or want to talk about it to somebody who knows, hit me up. If you’re not depressed and you want to ask me a bunch of questions, be my guest. I want to shine a big uncomfortable spotlight on something that thrives in the darkest places of our collective consciousness. Get at me.

<3 

Hey You

Ok listen. Owing to the fact that Natalie Blumer rediscovered this blog for me because I linked to it on Facebook, I am going to pick it back up. I’ve got a shitty track record re: sticking with blogging, so I mean don’t get too excited. But whatever, let’s do the thing. New year, new me…or at least new attempt at not being so lazy all the time.

Natalie, this piece of shit is dedicated to you.

I think because this is my first post in like 3 years, I’m going to play catch up. Let’s look at where I am now:

1. Graduated from UWO in December 2015 with a BBA in Human Resource Management. 

2. Am working, but super not using that degree. It’s fine.

3. Live with my boyfriend Isaiah, who I actually talked about meeting earlier in this blog. Still love his web comic, still think he’s a genius.  We just celebrated one year together, and in some ways it feels like far less, and in other ways like far more. In a good way, obv. He is bae.

4. Have finally achieved my dream of living really close to the Main Street bars, but am now at an age where I doing really like going out. I did it!

5. I turned 29 in November and every time I think about how this year I turn 30 I want to throw up in my mouth. I guess 30’s not so old, though. And I mean I still behave like I’m 20 so it’s fine. 

Everything’s fine. Nothing’s on fire.

6. I dedicate nearly all of my free time to playing video games or eating, and sometimes both simultaneously. Ok, most times both. 

7. Diagnosed with and treating depression and anxiety.

8. Have managed not to have diabetes yet. 

9. Still haven’t murdered anybody.

10. Much fatter.

With my fresh attempt at maintaining a blog (and my anxiety-induced love of consistency and planning), I’m going to try to make my posts a little more topic-focused. I used to use this like an online diary, which is ok I guess but I like having a solid thing to write about so that things don’t get away from me.

Next time, I’ll discuss the joys of holiday anxiety. It’ll be a blast.

Cheers to 2017, and the dumpster fire that I hope it won’t be <3

Welp.

Haaaa...so it has been a long time.

Listen, I think the trouble I have with keeping up with this thing stems from my inability to make decisions about, like, anything.  I'm always all like "Hmm, am I supposed to pick a topic and just write about that or...I don't know, detail my day or what?  What do?"  And then I just decide to give up and go on Reddit for 3 hours because it's easier than choosing.  So maybe let's try topics?  I don't know.  Let's do games today.

See, up until the last year, I've been mostly a console gamer.  I own an Xbox 360, PS3 (Christmas present from Christmas 2011 yayyy), Wii, and now a 3DS and a Wii-U.  Console stuff was easy because you didn't have to know specs or whatever and the system can run anything that comes out for it.  Buy it, pop it in, go about your business.

But then Luke started introducing me to PC gaming, which is what he likes.  Slowly I began to learn the joys of Steam sales (I've spent so much money, it hurts to think about it) and making the (surprisingly easy) transition to keyboard/mouse controls rather than a controller.  Now, a $350 video card and 78 Steam games later, here I am, converted.

That's not to say I'm entirely giving up console gaming, because it definitely has its place.  And there are even games I have on my computer that I prefer to play with a controller, whether it's because they were originally designed for it or the interface simply makes more sense to me.

The thing is, PC gaming is just wayyyyy cheaper.  Yes, the initial investment to get your computer up to snuff can be a little daunting.  I got lucky in that I only needed a new video card and a stronger power supply.  Within a year, though, I'm going to need a new motherboard, more RAM, and possibly a new hard drive, because, while I can play all the newest stuff, I'm just scraping by.  My video card performs admirably, but I'm getting bottlenecked by the other stuff, which is why it all needs replacing.

But as far as games go?  Shit.  It's ridiculous how cheap some of it gets, even when it's still pretty new.  I bought Borderlands 2 for $30 a month or two after it came out.  Physical copies for consoles still retail for $50-$60, and I didn't have to actually leave my house to obtain it.  I also recently scored the season pass, originally $30, I picked it up for $10.  And let's not even talk about humblebundle.com , where I frequently get between 4 and 8 (usually) indie games for roughly $7 (it's a pay what you want kind of thing...and I love parentheses today).

And then we've gotta talk about the pretties.  Oh goddddd the pretties.  I've always been a big advocate of "video games are an art form", because I really think that some of them do qualify.  I never needed convincing on that point, but goddamn if my computer didn't solidly cement my opinion.  All it took was Skyrim.  I maxed out everything I could, climbed halfway up a mountain and turned to look around.

Honestly, one of the most gorgeous landscapes I've ever seen.

So yeah, my gaming habits have gotten a little more intense of late.  I bought Bioshock: Infinite when it came out, beat it like 2 days later.  That's a really solid game.  The environment was pretty and unique, the gameplay itself was fun (and exactly like the first two entries in the series, which I also enjoyed), and the story was cool.  It was a little short for my taste, though, and I had a lot of trouble understanding the ending. But neither of those things is a dealbreaker, at least not to me.  I plan on playing through at least once more to try and find stuff I missed and generally have a different view of it all, now that I know how it ends.  Plus, the lovely(?) people of Reddit and the internet in general have some really neat theories on the ending that can help you make sense of it.

Now that I have written entirely too much, I need to finish studying for my Essentials of Finance test tomorrow (kill me) and then try and get a little sleep.  These last three weeks are going to kick my ass.

Summer, please hurry.

On WWII and TV Shows

For reasons that I cannot articulate, my favorite period in history to learn about is World War II.  I'm just so fascinated by it.  It's weird to think that it was only 70 years ago.  It's also weird to say "only 70 years ago" but in the Grand Scheme that's not that long.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be as interested in it if I'd lived through wartime.  I mean, ok, I guess technically we are occupying Iraq and Afghanistan, but this isn't a war like it was then.  There's no draft, Europe isn't really involved, and I don't think anybody's officially calling it a war.  My point is that I have three brothers.  If this were the '40s and we were finally entering the war (or even whenever it was between 1914 and 1918 that we got in on WWI), chances are they'd all be drafted for it.  I'd be left at home to go to work in a factory and just wonder every day what was going on and if they were safe.  Of course, if it were then I'd probably also be married and my husband would be fighting too, so I'd be a single parent.  I'm 24, I'd certainly have at least 2 kids by now.

I think my dad would be too old to go, or at least I hope that's the case.  Let's face it, the man is just not cut out for that kind of thing.  I guess my brothers aren't either.  But that's what boot camp is for, yes?  Just think about it, though.  All the guys my age that I'm friends with would be gone.  My cousins, former classmates, family friends...all fighting a war with little chance of making it back.  We are so lucky that things aren't like that now.  Yes, men and women are still getting killed overseas.  The difference here is in the numbers (far fewer of them are getting killed these days, not that it's much consolation to their families), and that these people volunteered to serve, they were not legally required to do so.

The reason I'm thinking about it again is because I'm watching Band of Brothers for probably the millionth time.  Now before anybody can get worked up, I understand that this is not a completely accurate portrayal of what really happened and it's dramatized and some things have been omitted and/or exaggerated blah blah blah.  But you know, even if it isn't completely accurate, it is still relatively accurate, and it is based on the stories of some of the survivors from the 101st Airborne.  Pretty solid.

The show itself, even if it weren't based on real stories, I think would be really captivating anyway.  It was well cast, well written, and well acted.  I was introduced to it by Mr. Healy, my high school history teacher (who, interestingly enough, bears a strange resemblance to Damien Lewis who played Dick Winters in the show).  He likes it because of its accuracy.  He showed us two episodes in a class I had with him centered around that time period.  I fell in love with it and now, 7 years later, here I am, watching it again and appreciating it like it's the first time.

So anyway it's got me thinking about what a different time that was.  We bitch endlessly about things that, in comparison, seem so petty and insignificant.  I guess a lot of things can seem petty and insignificant next to something like a fucking war, but you get my point.  It's also got me thinking that I would not fare well in a war situation.  Especially in a field hospital or something.  Too much blood, too much suffering.  I can't even stand to watch dramatizations of it, I would certainly pass out or worse if I saw it in real life.  No thank you.

I think if I'd had to have a hand in it, or had to live through seeing family and friends go off to fight and not come back, I wouldn't want to know more about it than I had to.  I certainly wouldn't want to revisit it.  I guess I'm glad I didn't have to go through it, because I really like learning about it.  I wish I needed another history class so I could find one based on it, but I make do with reading up on it on my own.

What I'm saying is, we are damn lucky to have it as good as we do.  Sure everything seems kinda shitty right now, but hey - it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some handsome soldiers to get back to.

Auld Lang Syne

Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at 2012.

I rang in the new year in typical college student fashion: drinking and Rock Band.  I got three kisses at midnight, and jammed to a  lot of Queen songs.  It was an evening of good friends, good cookies, and good fun.  Just right for starting a new year. 

Here's a problem.  I totally fucked this up by making a list about the last year on my birthday.  I forget sometimes that my birthday falls in the midst of the holiday season.  But I feel like a New Year post is appropriate.  What to do...

Ok, how about this: Let's talk about the things I want to accomplish in 2012.  That's a thing people do, right?  I've never particularly cared for resolutions, because I feel like you shouldn't decide to make positive changes to your life just because of the new year.  If I wanted to do better things, I'd have already started them.  But, in the spirit of the holiday, let's just see what I'm gonna forget about trying to do in 2 weeks.

1. Make the Dean's List.  I really want to do this.  I'm hoping to make it spring semester, but I'm taking two 4-credit math classes, so let's just say I'm not overly optimistic.  To be safe, my goal is to do it in 2012.

2.  Continue down my path toward becoming responsible with my finances.  Since I moved in July I've been doing ok.  But as with anything, there is room for improvement.

3.  Learn to parallel park.  This is something that we spent one afternoon on in driver's ed, and I never got the hang of it.  So far in the 8 years I've been on the road it hasn't impeded me much, but I feel like it's something I ought to be able to do.

4.  Adopt a cat.  I'm not looking to replace Honey.  I just feel bad when Naughty has to be home alone, and I hate the thought of cats in the shelters getting put down because nobody wants them.  Plus, kittens.

5.  Go somewhere I've never been.  I'm keeping that vague, in case I don't actually get the chance to go anywhere cool.  As long as it's different, I will allow it to qualify.  But really, I hope I end up someplace awesome.

I think five is enough for now.  Overall, I'd say 2011 was pretty good to me.  Yes, it certainly had its shitty moments (most notably losing Grandma Knetter and Honey), but without sorrow we cannot truly appreciate happiness, right? 

I'm excited for this year.  I feel like it's gonna be a good one.

Goodbye, Old Friend

After all the things he's lived through that we thought he couldn't possibly, Honey finally met his match today in the form of a blood clot that blocked off blood flow to his hind legs and his tail.  Though there was the option of surgery to remove it, his prognosis was very poor, even if they succeeded, not to mention that treatment carried the risk of loosening more blood clots, and I couldn't stand to see him in pain anymore, so Dad helped me make the toughest decision of my life, and we had him put down.  I held him while they did it.  At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I have never been so utterly hearbroken in all my life.  I honestly do not have the words to express what he meant to me and how hard it was to do what I did today.  Instead, I choose to honor his memory with all the pictures of him that I can find, and I will post them here.  Look if you want, or don't, but I'm doing this for me and for him.  I love you, Honey Bear.

 

The Big 2-4

Ok guys.  So I haven't posted in a long time.  Like almost two months.  I'm gonna go ahead and give you the "school and work" excuse thing again, because it's true.  And also I forgot.

However, today is my 24th birthday.  It's left me feeling a little...weird.  I mean, 24 isn't really a special birthday, like nothing really changes.  I'm just a year older, and thinking that I shouldn't be this old.  I still feel like I'm 19, but I think that's more to do with this fresh attempt at college than anything else.  That and maybe how I'm thinking about using my tax refund to buy a $150 Harry Potter Lego set.  But mostly it's the college thing.

I think what I want to do is look over the last year and see what's happened, because a lot has. Since my 23rd birthday, I have:

-Moved back home from Schofield
-Applied for, gotten into, and started college
-Said goodbye to my grandma (and I still think about her all the time)
-Gotten better at managing my finanaces (sorta)
-Made some new friends
-Reconnected with some old friends
-Taken up crocheting again
-Moved to Oshkosh
-Started to really act like an adult and take responsibility for myself
-Fallen in love with some new bands (and re-fallen in love with some old favorites)
-Spent more money on video games than I care to admit
-Realized just how much I depend on my family
-Let my natural hair color grow out (for the first time since I was 16)
-Let my hair get really long (even though I recently cut it short again)
-Started this blog

Hmm.  I'm calling that a pretty solid list.  Some good, some bad, just what a year should be.  I don't even want to think about how close I'm getting to 25.  At least I have a whole year until then.

This year I am resolving to start manning up and stop being afraid of things.  I'm going to say no when I don't want to or can't do something.  I'm going to keep up with my blog.

Well, I think we all know that last probably isn't going to happen.  But  hey, a girl can dream, right?