The D Word

Hey gang. Look! Here I am, doing a thing I said I was going to do! It feels good, and it’s outside the norm for me. That’s not because I’m lazy (although I am definitely that), or because I’m just a big flake – it’s because of today’s topic:

D E P R E S S I O N

***Warning: Things are about to get a little heavy. Depression is, and this may come as a shock to you, depressing. Generally I prefer to stick to lighter fare, but this is something I think is really important to talk about, particularly because of the stigma that still exists surrounding seeking help/treatment. I also think it’s important for me to explain my specific experience with it, since I am not remotely what most people think of when they hear “depression”. There are misconceptions surrounding this topic and how it affects people, and I can only give my account – we’re all different, and no two people experience it in exactly the same way – but I want to give it because I’m not embarrassed, and the only way we’re going to get everybody to feel comfortable discussing it is to discuss it. Enter at your own risk.***

As many of you might be aware, when I was 24 I was diagnosed with depression. Over the years, I have realized that I have been dealing with it for much longer - I had observant high school teachers (thank you, Mrs. Federwitz and Mrs. Abreu) ask me if I was depressed. My dad tried quite a few times to convince me to see somebody about it, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy” (something that I admit still bothers me), and I didn’t want to have to take pills to feel normal. It seemed like admitting I was depressed would be overdramatic, and would be akin to saying “I’m a big fuck-up who can’t figure out how to be a person”. Stigmas gonna stig.

I gave in when I failed a semester of college. I failed it so hard that I was placed on academic suspension, which I (thankfully) successfully appealed, on the condition that I’d get help. My depression had trapped me - I couldn't get out of bed because I couldn't face going to class, and I couldn't face going because I had already missed it because I couldn't get out of bed...you get the idea. It was a vicious cycle. Wake up, feel too anxious to leave, feel guilty about not leaving, go to work, go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When I went to the UWO counseling center, I met a woman named Kim Charniak. I told her what was happening, and how scared I was. I sat in her office and cried because I didn’t spend time with my friends anymore and didn’t know what I would do if I was suspended. I cried because I could hardly bring myself to leave the house, and I was always someone who thrived on social interaction. I cried because nothing was fun or interesting to me anymore. I cried because I felt like I was ruining my own life and had no idea how to stop. She assured me that I was not a fuck-up.

What followed was a series of visits to the student health center, questionnaires, and long conversations about my options. The main ways of handling mental illness involve medication, therapy, or, most likely, a combination of the two. Since I knew I could visit the counseling center for free, I opted to try meds and therapy together, and I do not regret it.

A major problem with the way we as a society view depression is that people who have never experienced it tend to see it as an attitude problem. “You just have to cheer up and stop dwelling on it.” On the one hand, I can see that. From the outside just sounds like people are mopey or lazy and don’t want to do things or whatever. On the other hand, motherfucker don’t you think I have tried that already? Trust me, you’re not the first person to suggest that I just stop being depressed. I would LOVE if that was how this worked, and my life would be approximately one thousand times easier.

The simple fact is that this is an issue with brain chemistry. People think it’s stupid to treat things like diabetes with “natural cures” because it *is*stupid, and a really good way to die from something easily treatable. But those same people will tell you that, if you’re depressed, all you need is to meditate, or work out, or get more sleep, or try essential oils. Those things aren’t going to help my brain produce the right amount of serotonin, dude. If we talked about mental illness the same way we talk about physical ailments, holy shit the world would be so much better.

Another thing I’d like to say, and I cannot stress this enough, is that taking meds is in NO WAY a cop-out. Any person who’s ever had to take them can tell you. The first problem is that there are tons of different medications out there, and there’s no way to immediately pinpoint the right one, you have to go by trial and error. And it’s not like “Try this one today, and if you don’t like it we’ll try another tomorrow.” The average antidepressant takes up to 6 weeks before enough is built up in your system for you to notice a difference.

Then you have to contend with side effects. These pills alter your brain chemistry, and many of them carry a risk of suicidal thoughts, which you might notice is exactly the opposite of what we’re hoping they’ll do. Barring that, you might experience increased appetite, decreased appetite, yawning, hiccups, insomnia, irritability, sweating, or a whole host of other weird and annoying shit. My meds make me sweat at the merest suggestion of heat, which I hate, but I hate being depressed way worse.

So meds aren’t easy, but sometimes they are all that works. I mentioned doing meds and therapy, but currently, because I don’t have health insurance, I can’t afford therapy. Even *with* insurance it’s generally still really expensive because a lot of plans don’t place much importance on its availability. Honestly, I can barely afford my meds – without insurance they cost me ~$300 per month, and this is for generic stuff. Thankfully the app GoodRx exists, and I’m able to get them for about $46/month instead. But yeah, that added stress doesn’t make having depression any easier.

My point is that depression is a confusing, debilitating, frustrating, soul-sucking monster that is vastly misunderstood, because it’s impossible to *truly* understand it without experiencing it yourself. It sucks, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody ever. It is not a thing that can be cured, it’s something that must be treated and maintained over the course of the sufferer’s life. 

Because of my depression, I have trouble keeping plans I make, or making them in the first place. It's not because I don't like you or don't want to see you, it's just that sometimes the idea of having to go somewhere and be a person is overwhelming. I'll stress so bad about social engagements that I legitimately feel sick. I have to take sleeping pills some nights because my brain won't shut up about things I'm mad about, or excited about, or that I just know. I'm hard to be around sometimes, and I'm insanely lucky to have someone as patient and caring as Isaiah, because I know what I'm like.

So why write about it? Because the worst thing we can do for people with depression is keep quiet about it. I won’t. It exists, and it sucks, and I hate it. But I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. This is just how my brain works, so I’m doing what I need to do. It’s ok not to be ok. I want to do my part to destigmatize this too-common condition, and the best way I can think to do that is to run my fucking mouth about it, and we all know how I love to do that.

If you’re depressed, just know you’re not alone. If you need to vent, or want to talk about it to somebody who knows, hit me up. If you’re not depressed and you want to ask me a bunch of questions, be my guest. I want to shine a big uncomfortable spotlight on something that thrives in the darkest places of our collective consciousness. Get at me.

<3 

Hey You

Ok listen. Owing to the fact that Natalie Blumer rediscovered this blog for me because I linked to it on Facebook, I am going to pick it back up. I’ve got a shitty track record re: sticking with blogging, so I mean don’t get too excited. But whatever, let’s do the thing. New year, new me…or at least new attempt at not being so lazy all the time.

Natalie, this piece of shit is dedicated to you.

I think because this is my first post in like 3 years, I’m going to play catch up. Let’s look at where I am now:

1. Graduated from UWO in December 2015 with a BBA in Human Resource Management. 

2. Am working, but super not using that degree. It’s fine.

3. Live with my boyfriend Isaiah, who I actually talked about meeting earlier in this blog. Still love his web comic, still think he’s a genius.  We just celebrated one year together, and in some ways it feels like far less, and in other ways like far more. In a good way, obv. He is bae.

4. Have finally achieved my dream of living really close to the Main Street bars, but am now at an age where I doing really like going out. I did it!

5. I turned 29 in November and every time I think about how this year I turn 30 I want to throw up in my mouth. I guess 30’s not so old, though. And I mean I still behave like I’m 20 so it’s fine. 

Everything’s fine. Nothing’s on fire.

6. I dedicate nearly all of my free time to playing video games or eating, and sometimes both simultaneously. Ok, most times both. 

7. Diagnosed with and treating depression and anxiety.

8. Have managed not to have diabetes yet. 

9. Still haven’t murdered anybody.

10. Much fatter.

With my fresh attempt at maintaining a blog (and my anxiety-induced love of consistency and planning), I’m going to try to make my posts a little more topic-focused. I used to use this like an online diary, which is ok I guess but I like having a solid thing to write about so that things don’t get away from me.

Next time, I’ll discuss the joys of holiday anxiety. It’ll be a blast.

Cheers to 2017, and the dumpster fire that I hope it won’t be <3

Welp.

Haaaa...so it has been a long time.

Listen, I think the trouble I have with keeping up with this thing stems from my inability to make decisions about, like, anything.  I'm always all like "Hmm, am I supposed to pick a topic and just write about that or...I don't know, detail my day or what?  What do?"  And then I just decide to give up and go on Reddit for 3 hours because it's easier than choosing.  So maybe let's try topics?  I don't know.  Let's do games today.

See, up until the last year, I've been mostly a console gamer.  I own an Xbox 360, PS3 (Christmas present from Christmas 2011 yayyy), Wii, and now a 3DS and a Wii-U.  Console stuff was easy because you didn't have to know specs or whatever and the system can run anything that comes out for it.  Buy it, pop it in, go about your business.

But then Luke started introducing me to PC gaming, which is what he likes.  Slowly I began to learn the joys of Steam sales (I've spent so much money, it hurts to think about it) and making the (surprisingly easy) transition to keyboard/mouse controls rather than a controller.  Now, a $350 video card and 78 Steam games later, here I am, converted.

That's not to say I'm entirely giving up console gaming, because it definitely has its place.  And there are even games I have on my computer that I prefer to play with a controller, whether it's because they were originally designed for it or the interface simply makes more sense to me.

The thing is, PC gaming is just wayyyyy cheaper.  Yes, the initial investment to get your computer up to snuff can be a little daunting.  I got lucky in that I only needed a new video card and a stronger power supply.  Within a year, though, I'm going to need a new motherboard, more RAM, and possibly a new hard drive, because, while I can play all the newest stuff, I'm just scraping by.  My video card performs admirably, but I'm getting bottlenecked by the other stuff, which is why it all needs replacing.

But as far as games go?  Shit.  It's ridiculous how cheap some of it gets, even when it's still pretty new.  I bought Borderlands 2 for $30 a month or two after it came out.  Physical copies for consoles still retail for $50-$60, and I didn't have to actually leave my house to obtain it.  I also recently scored the season pass, originally $30, I picked it up for $10.  And let's not even talk about humblebundle.com , where I frequently get between 4 and 8 (usually) indie games for roughly $7 (it's a pay what you want kind of thing...and I love parentheses today).

And then we've gotta talk about the pretties.  Oh goddddd the pretties.  I've always been a big advocate of "video games are an art form", because I really think that some of them do qualify.  I never needed convincing on that point, but goddamn if my computer didn't solidly cement my opinion.  All it took was Skyrim.  I maxed out everything I could, climbed halfway up a mountain and turned to look around.

Honestly, one of the most gorgeous landscapes I've ever seen.

So yeah, my gaming habits have gotten a little more intense of late.  I bought Bioshock: Infinite when it came out, beat it like 2 days later.  That's a really solid game.  The environment was pretty and unique, the gameplay itself was fun (and exactly like the first two entries in the series, which I also enjoyed), and the story was cool.  It was a little short for my taste, though, and I had a lot of trouble understanding the ending. But neither of those things is a dealbreaker, at least not to me.  I plan on playing through at least once more to try and find stuff I missed and generally have a different view of it all, now that I know how it ends.  Plus, the lovely(?) people of Reddit and the internet in general have some really neat theories on the ending that can help you make sense of it.

Now that I have written entirely too much, I need to finish studying for my Essentials of Finance test tomorrow (kill me) and then try and get a little sleep.  These last three weeks are going to kick my ass.

Summer, please hurry.

On WWII and TV Shows

For reasons that I cannot articulate, my favorite period in history to learn about is World War II.  I'm just so fascinated by it.  It's weird to think that it was only 70 years ago.  It's also weird to say "only 70 years ago" but in the Grand Scheme that's not that long.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be as interested in it if I'd lived through wartime.  I mean, ok, I guess technically we are occupying Iraq and Afghanistan, but this isn't a war like it was then.  There's no draft, Europe isn't really involved, and I don't think anybody's officially calling it a war.  My point is that I have three brothers.  If this were the '40s and we were finally entering the war (or even whenever it was between 1914 and 1918 that we got in on WWI), chances are they'd all be drafted for it.  I'd be left at home to go to work in a factory and just wonder every day what was going on and if they were safe.  Of course, if it were then I'd probably also be married and my husband would be fighting too, so I'd be a single parent.  I'm 24, I'd certainly have at least 2 kids by now.

I think my dad would be too old to go, or at least I hope that's the case.  Let's face it, the man is just not cut out for that kind of thing.  I guess my brothers aren't either.  But that's what boot camp is for, yes?  Just think about it, though.  All the guys my age that I'm friends with would be gone.  My cousins, former classmates, family friends...all fighting a war with little chance of making it back.  We are so lucky that things aren't like that now.  Yes, men and women are still getting killed overseas.  The difference here is in the numbers (far fewer of them are getting killed these days, not that it's much consolation to their families), and that these people volunteered to serve, they were not legally required to do so.

The reason I'm thinking about it again is because I'm watching Band of Brothers for probably the millionth time.  Now before anybody can get worked up, I understand that this is not a completely accurate portrayal of what really happened and it's dramatized and some things have been omitted and/or exaggerated blah blah blah.  But you know, even if it isn't completely accurate, it is still relatively accurate, and it is based on the stories of some of the survivors from the 101st Airborne.  Pretty solid.

The show itself, even if it weren't based on real stories, I think would be really captivating anyway.  It was well cast, well written, and well acted.  I was introduced to it by Mr. Healy, my high school history teacher (who, interestingly enough, bears a strange resemblance to Damien Lewis who played Dick Winters in the show).  He likes it because of its accuracy.  He showed us two episodes in a class I had with him centered around that time period.  I fell in love with it and now, 7 years later, here I am, watching it again and appreciating it like it's the first time.

So anyway it's got me thinking about what a different time that was.  We bitch endlessly about things that, in comparison, seem so petty and insignificant.  I guess a lot of things can seem petty and insignificant next to something like a fucking war, but you get my point.  It's also got me thinking that I would not fare well in a war situation.  Especially in a field hospital or something.  Too much blood, too much suffering.  I can't even stand to watch dramatizations of it, I would certainly pass out or worse if I saw it in real life.  No thank you.

I think if I'd had to have a hand in it, or had to live through seeing family and friends go off to fight and not come back, I wouldn't want to know more about it than I had to.  I certainly wouldn't want to revisit it.  I guess I'm glad I didn't have to go through it, because I really like learning about it.  I wish I needed another history class so I could find one based on it, but I make do with reading up on it on my own.

What I'm saying is, we are damn lucky to have it as good as we do.  Sure everything seems kinda shitty right now, but hey - it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some handsome soldiers to get back to.

Auld Lang Syne

Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at 2012.

I rang in the new year in typical college student fashion: drinking and Rock Band.  I got three kisses at midnight, and jammed to a  lot of Queen songs.  It was an evening of good friends, good cookies, and good fun.  Just right for starting a new year. 

Here's a problem.  I totally fucked this up by making a list about the last year on my birthday.  I forget sometimes that my birthday falls in the midst of the holiday season.  But I feel like a New Year post is appropriate.  What to do...

Ok, how about this: Let's talk about the things I want to accomplish in 2012.  That's a thing people do, right?  I've never particularly cared for resolutions, because I feel like you shouldn't decide to make positive changes to your life just because of the new year.  If I wanted to do better things, I'd have already started them.  But, in the spirit of the holiday, let's just see what I'm gonna forget about trying to do in 2 weeks.

1. Make the Dean's List.  I really want to do this.  I'm hoping to make it spring semester, but I'm taking two 4-credit math classes, so let's just say I'm not overly optimistic.  To be safe, my goal is to do it in 2012.

2.  Continue down my path toward becoming responsible with my finances.  Since I moved in July I've been doing ok.  But as with anything, there is room for improvement.

3.  Learn to parallel park.  This is something that we spent one afternoon on in driver's ed, and I never got the hang of it.  So far in the 8 years I've been on the road it hasn't impeded me much, but I feel like it's something I ought to be able to do.

4.  Adopt a cat.  I'm not looking to replace Honey.  I just feel bad when Naughty has to be home alone, and I hate the thought of cats in the shelters getting put down because nobody wants them.  Plus, kittens.

5.  Go somewhere I've never been.  I'm keeping that vague, in case I don't actually get the chance to go anywhere cool.  As long as it's different, I will allow it to qualify.  But really, I hope I end up someplace awesome.

I think five is enough for now.  Overall, I'd say 2011 was pretty good to me.  Yes, it certainly had its shitty moments (most notably losing Grandma Knetter and Honey), but without sorrow we cannot truly appreciate happiness, right? 

I'm excited for this year.  I feel like it's gonna be a good one.

Goodbye, Old Friend

After all the things he's lived through that we thought he couldn't possibly, Honey finally met his match today in the form of a blood clot that blocked off blood flow to his hind legs and his tail.  Though there was the option of surgery to remove it, his prognosis was very poor, even if they succeeded, not to mention that treatment carried the risk of loosening more blood clots, and I couldn't stand to see him in pain anymore, so Dad helped me make the toughest decision of my life, and we had him put down.  I held him while they did it.  At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I have never been so utterly hearbroken in all my life.  I honestly do not have the words to express what he meant to me and how hard it was to do what I did today.  Instead, I choose to honor his memory with all the pictures of him that I can find, and I will post them here.  Look if you want, or don't, but I'm doing this for me and for him.  I love you, Honey Bear.

 

The Big 2-4

Ok guys.  So I haven't posted in a long time.  Like almost two months.  I'm gonna go ahead and give you the "school and work" excuse thing again, because it's true.  And also I forgot.

However, today is my 24th birthday.  It's left me feeling a little...weird.  I mean, 24 isn't really a special birthday, like nothing really changes.  I'm just a year older, and thinking that I shouldn't be this old.  I still feel like I'm 19, but I think that's more to do with this fresh attempt at college than anything else.  That and maybe how I'm thinking about using my tax refund to buy a $150 Harry Potter Lego set.  But mostly it's the college thing.

I think what I want to do is look over the last year and see what's happened, because a lot has. Since my 23rd birthday, I have:

-Moved back home from Schofield
-Applied for, gotten into, and started college
-Said goodbye to my grandma (and I still think about her all the time)
-Gotten better at managing my finanaces (sorta)
-Made some new friends
-Reconnected with some old friends
-Taken up crocheting again
-Moved to Oshkosh
-Started to really act like an adult and take responsibility for myself
-Fallen in love with some new bands (and re-fallen in love with some old favorites)
-Spent more money on video games than I care to admit
-Realized just how much I depend on my family
-Let my natural hair color grow out (for the first time since I was 16)
-Let my hair get really long (even though I recently cut it short again)
-Started this blog

Hmm.  I'm calling that a pretty solid list.  Some good, some bad, just what a year should be.  I don't even want to think about how close I'm getting to 25.  At least I have a whole year until then.

This year I am resolving to start manning up and stop being afraid of things.  I'm going to say no when I don't want to or can't do something.  I'm going to keep up with my blog.

Well, I think we all know that last probably isn't going to happen.  But  hey, a girl can dream, right?

People and Things

Ok, I'm ready for a real post today.  It is Friday, and god damn it is a good day.  Check out what I got in the mail-

That's right, friends, that is the new Jack's Mannequin CD.  I am beyond excited.  Because I pre-ordered, I got this too-

See that down at the bottom?  Andrew McMahon has touched this.  Amazing.  It also came with these artsy postcards, which I don't totally get, but there are two that I particularly liked:

I thought the Oklahoma one was hilarious, and of course I like the Wisconsin one.  So yes.  Very exciting.

As for the CD itself, I'm just on my first listen-through, and already I'm in love with it.  Andrew McMahon's voice kind of has that effect on me :)

I'm excited to actually have things to do this weekend since I'm off.  Tonight I'm having dinner/drinks with my friend Mel (FINALLY) and her sister Britt, and they are awesome.  Tomorrow I get to go see my Victoria in Appleton and we're gonna go watch 50/50, which I am excited about because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is gorgeous.   Sunday Dad is gonna come for a visit, and I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks so I'm really looking forward to that.

So since beginning this post, I've wandered off to Facebook and Google+ like 3 times.  I don't know when my attention span got so short.  Ridiculous.

I suppose that's everything of note for the moment.  Have a beautiful weekend my loves!

And Don't Keep Me Like You Have Me...

Ok, this isn't a real update because I have to get ready to go to work, but I am in love with this song and I need to spread it around.  Enjoy!

*Sigh*

I woke up this morning, rolled over, and was face to face with this:

If he wasn't so adorable, the way he was watching me sleep would be creepy.  But he is cute.  That is his saving grace.

I think I underestimated how busy I was going to be this semester.  I was all like "Full-time school and part-time job?  Psshhhh I did that for like 3 years of high school.  I've got this."  Now I'm scrambling to get shit done all the time, I'm not sleeping enough (interestingly enough I'm getting more sleep now than I ever used to get in high school.  Am I old?), and I book my free time so full of other stuff that I don't really get the chance to be at home and relax.  But this is what I did in high school!  Maybe I just don't have the energy I had then or something.  I am turning into kind of a grandma.  But that's ok, I guess.

It's Saturday, and for the first time since school started I am content to just sit on the couch and watch Parks and Recreation all day.  I might even play some video games.  I have to work tonight, but that's ok, it'll be busy and probably fun.  After that I'm going over to a friend's house where we are going to watch the movie "The Room" and play a drinking game.  If you've never seen that movie, go check it out.  It is literally the worst piece of garbage I have ever seen.  But it is hilarious (despite its best efforts).  This movie was written by, directed by, starred, and was entirely funded by one guy.  If that doesn't tell you something about it, then you don't know how the movie industry works.  So yeah, pretty excited.

Speaking of exciting things, on Tuesday George Watsky came and performed on campus.  For those of you who don't know who that is, watch this.  He's hilarious.  He was hanging out before his show where people were coming in and me and my friend Natalie  got our picture taken with him.

It was awesome.

I guess I haven't got a lot else to say today.  I'm trying to find the motivation to clean my apt.  It's not that it's so messy, but I just kind of leave shit laying around everywhere.  Before school started I always had time t clean, but now when I get home from school or work I'm just so tired of doing stuff that I just wanna sit.  What a nightmare.

So for now, I will just enjoy this calm morning.  I'll take a shower and get dressed and run my errands later.  At this moment, I'm happy just sitting here.

Have an awesome weekend, my dears.

uhjasrh;aerfh;r

Ok, before I can post like a normal human being I have to get this off my chest.  So remember my english professor?  The one who is constantly harping on us about how we're all brainwashed, we don't know anything, we're receiving a piss poor education, etc?  Yeah well fuck that guy.

I mean, ok, he's pretty nice when you talk to him before class.  I was asking him some questions about The Aeneid (you know, a book written over 2,000 years ago that has nothing to do with the current politics of this university and/or country?) today, which we've just finished skimming, and he was really helpful.  Then class started, and I thought "Boy, I bet today is actually gonna be pretty productive in here!  He seems to be in a good mood, and he's already thinking about the Aeneid since we were just talking about it.  Awesome."

So we took our quiz on the chapter we had to read for today, handed in our reading journals, and then he asked if we had any questions.  I asked him what Virgil meant when he referred to those that "the Fates owed a second body".  First word out of his mouth was "reincarnation".  Perfect!  That's a term I understand.  Then he went a little further into what qualified a soul for reincarnation (apparently 1,000 years in the underworld), which was interesting and still relevent.  Then he kind of tied it in with our next book, The Divine Comedy.  Ok, that works, since we're starting that over the weekend.  Then, and I don't totally understand how this happened, he was suddenly ranting about how you can't say God doesn't exist because you can't prove he doesn't exist, but we're all taught to be good little followers of science so we just blindly believe it and blah blah blah...for almost 30 minutes.  Literally.

Now, I don't give two shits what you believe - it's not going to change my opinion of you as a person, it's just another facet of your life.  Don't force it on me, I'll do you the same courtesy, and we'll get on just fine.  But seroiusly, what the fuck was that?  The only part about that garbage that was relevant to the class was that it was about God, and the Divine Comedy was written by Dante, who was Christian.  But he took that tiny connection, and suddenly it was (hooray!) another tirade about how everyone is constantly feeding us bullshit, and how they're trying to indoctrinate us.  He even started blabbering on about feminism and how stupid it is.  That had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING!

So finally he finishes his ridiculous speech.  I'm sitting at my desk doodling in my notebook, because I checked out about 5 minutes in.  It's not like that stuff mattered, and I've heard all of it from him before.  And he was like "Ok sorry, got a little excited there.  What was your question?  Did I answer it?" and I was like "Yup."  And then he asked if there were other questions, and by that point I was resigned to not actually learning anything for the day.  So the girl next to me asked another question with a relatively simple answer.  It involves explanation of a few people, but that's ok.  And then he wandered off again, talking about all the Roman emperors.  But you know, at least it was the right era and he wasn't bitching at us.

And then class was over.  That was it.  I wasted 1 hour and 20 minutes of my life  (the other 10 minutes were spent on my quiz and writing out a grocery list).  The worst part is, we go through this song and dance with him every day.  Honestly, when he stays on topic, he's a really good teacher.  He's excited about the material and can put it into terms that we understand (not easy to do with medieval lit).  But when he spends less than half the class period actually discussing the material, then it's not really worth it.

I think he says shit like that because he wants to "shock" us or whatever.  He's like "None of your other professors are gonna say this stuff to you, because they don't want you to know." as he talks about how our military is wonderful and how Barack Obama is not fit to be president and feminism and multiculturalism are bullshit.

And he's right, none of my other professors will.  But do you want to know why?  It's because they're too busy TEACHING THEIR FUCKING CLASSES.  No, we don't discuss current events and what's wrong with the world today in my goddamn math class.  In Econ I'm learning about absolute advantage and PPFs.  My speech professor teaches us good public speaking habits and good listening habits.  The only other professor I have that even mentions current events is my Anthro professor, and all he says about them is that we should stay informed on them.  That's it.  Doesn't tell us what he thinks or that we're wrong.  He just tells us to read the newspaper.

My english professor also likes to ask us questions that he knows nobody will answer.  Then he can be like "You don't know, do you?" or "Nobody's gonna argue with me?  I can see you don't look happy, but nobody's gonna say anything?"  And honestly, next time he does it I'm going to say "No, I am not going to argue with you.  I am not paying $3,500 a semester to come to class and argue with you.  I am paying $3,500 to come to class and learn from you.  So please teach me."

Either that or I'll just set fire to my desk and walk out.

/Rant.

Woo, I feel a lot better.  But now I'm all blogged out, so I will try to keep this short.  Apart from being ridiculously frustrated, I've had a pretty great day.  I was done with class at 11:10, had an awesome buffalo chicken sandwich for lunch, and I made meatballs and mashed potatoes for dinner, which was AMAZING.  I was so sure I was gonna fuck it up, but I did not.  Also, I studied math and did practice problems for an hour and a half.  I actually feel prepared for our quiz tomorrow.  This has been an unprecedented level of productivity.

This weekend my younger brothers are coming down to visit and to bring me my copy of Gears of War 3 (YAYYYYYY!!!), so that will be pretty baller.  But that also means I've got to be even more productive tomorrow and get the apartment cleaned and my Econ homework done before they get here.  Thankfully, they aren't going to show up til about 11pm.  And I think on Saturday Andy is going to come over and play games with us.  I can't wait.

Sorry about the grumpy post, but I can't blow up like that in class, and I was getting worried that my head was going to explode.  Now I'm much happier.  I think it's time to play a little Saints Row before bed.

Sweet dreams, darlings.

*Obligatory Rebecca Black Reference*

Ahhh Friday.  It's been a long time since the day being Friday actually meant something to me.  I mean, I still have to go to work tomorrow and everything, but I don't have school, and that is pretty glorious.  Frriiiiddaaaayyy.

Kelly's has beer gardens tonight.  I kind of want to go, but I couldn't find anybody to go with.  Zach is working, Jenn has a pregnant friend visiting, and I didn't hear much from Heather or Brittany, but that's ok.  It's probably best that I don't do anything too crazy since I have to work tomorrow anyway.  Plus, sitting home is not a thing I get to do very often anymore.  So I'm just chilling with the kitties.

All day I've been thinking about Bioshock and how I want to play it again.  For those who aren't familiar with it, Bioshock is a sweet first-person shooter that came out in 2007.  It tells the story of a guy who gets in a plane crash and ends up wandering this desolate, ruined underwater utopia called Rapture.  People still live  there...or something close to people.  I'm not talking about zombies.  These things are humans that have basically lost all their humanity.  They are crazy and scary and want to kill you.  But you get plasmids, which are pretty much super powers, but they rely on you continuing to inject yourself with something called "Eve".

Anyway, it's dark and scary and, at least in 2007, was a thing that really hadn't been done before.  Yes there are billions of first-person shooters, but the story here was pretty different.  And for being 4 years old it is certainly aging gracefully.  It's had one sequel already (that was good, but nothing really ever matches up to the original), and there's another one on the way for next year (I think?).  Pretty stoked.

So that is what I think I will do with this Friday night.  I will pretend to clean the apt a little (it's so much harder to keep up when I'm not home all day.  Plus I have no ambition to do it since I never have guests), and then I will abandon all pretense and just play Bioshock.

Cheers!

What Is This? I Don't Even...

It has been a little while since I posted.  Honestly, I got a little bit wrapped up in this "getting an education" thing I'm trying out.  And so far?  All good.  Well...mostly good.  I'm having some issues with my English prof - namely that he spends about 50% of the class period telling us how the other professors are brainwashing us with their Marxist/Feminist agendas and not really teaching.  Oh, really?  Because it kinda seems like you're just talking shit about your colleagues and not really teaching.  Huh.

Other than that nonsense, though, I really can't complain.  My campus job is awesome (bulletin boards for three days.  Best ever), my classes (with that one exception) are awesome, Family Video is awesome, and my kitties are awesome.

Hey speaking of that, Honey seems to be recovering from his little adventure just fine.  We have a re-check appointment next week, but then he should be good to go.  The doc saved the eyelids in case I wanted to have them tested to find out for sure what they are.  I considered it, but then I made a decision.  It was probably the most mature decision I've had to make in that usually my dad would have had to do this.

I told them not to send them in.  Really, how much better would it be to find out that the tumor was, say, an aggressive form of cancer, than to just not know?  Honey is at least 14 years old.  If we're being realistic, he's maybe got 3 or 4 years left (I'm always hopeful, but seriously).  So if I found out it was cancer, then there would be the question of do we want to treat it with chemo.  And I realized that, at his age, it would just be cruel for me to make a call like that and completely destroy his quality of life, especially since he is so old.  If this were Naughty, who is roughly 3, it would probably be a different story.  But I am just not going to put Honey through that, and so we shall remain blissfully ignorant.

I'm starting to make friends at work.  This is great because not only does it improve my working experience, but I also have people to actually hang out with now.  Not that I can't spend time with my friends that already live here, but many of them have "grown-up" jobs, so it's hard to find the time.

Anyway, this weekend I got to go out with Jenn and Zach and one(?) of their roommates and a couple of their friends.  We had a really nice time on Main at a couple bars.  I got really excited when I found out that their roommate Isaiah is the artist/author of the web comic Nuclear Delight.  It is so awesome.  If you've never read it, I suggest you do so here.  Go on, I'll wait for you.

Are you back?  Great.  Wasn't that nifty?  The guy is a genius.

And speaking of genius, I have constructed yet another masterpiece this evening.  But first, a little back story. See, when I was in college the first time (2006), I bought a Hello Kitty coloring book at Walmart as a joke when I went there with my roommate.  My brother Nathan was coming down to visit just after his birthday (he had turned 21), so I did the college student thing and bought him a shirt at the bookstore.  Then I went hunting for a card.  I couldn't find one that I liked, so I decided to make him one with pictures cut from my Hello Kitty coloring book, some construction paper I borrowed from the Hall Gov office (don't worry, I was the OSA rep - totally legit), colored pencils, and rubber cement.

And so a tradition was born.  Now every year I am tasked with making a new card that is more awesome than the one preceding it.  It doesn't sound like much work, but this project can span several days if I don't plan it well enough.  I pulled out all the stops this year.  I leave you tonight with the final product:

Good night, friends and lovers.

Honey, Honey...

So here's a story from like two weeks ago that I didn't write about.  As previously mentioned, I have two cats.  One of them (Honey) is roughly 14 years old, the other (Naughty or Battlecat 2.0) is about 3.  A couple weeks ago I noticed that Honey's eyes looked kind of jacked up.  One was all runny  and the other just looked really irritated at the inside corner.  I took him to the vet, and after some poking and prodding that was very hard to watch (including stretching out his inner eyelid with a tweezers uggghhhh), the vet determined that his inner eyelid has a tumor on it.  Wtf?

I dropped him off this morning to have the eyelid surgically removed.  I'm pretty proud of myself, I didn't even cry when I handed him off to the receptionist.  I wanted to - he looked at me like I was totally abandoning him, and I am terrified that some day I will have to take him in to get put down - but I didn't.  Instead I pacified myself by going to Walmart and buying him some catnip, treats, and a new toy.  My mom always bought me and my brothers a treat or a toy when we had to go to the doctor, so this seems fitting.

They told me I can call around 11:30 to see how it went, and then call back at about 2:30 to find out if I can bring him home today.  If he doesn't come out of the anesthesia well they'll keep him over night, but that would blow because I have class all day tomorrow and work immediately after, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I know the surgery is minor and I'm sure everything will be fine, but I am still nervous.  Blargh.

On a positive note, I start school tomorrow.  I'm really excited about it, but a little scared too.  Today they're doing a thing called Taste of Oshkosh, which is where all the student organizations set up booths outside and you can walk around and learn about them and sign up.  A couple friends of mine are going, so I think I'll go when they do.  I also have to drop off some paperwork for my campus job, which also starts tomorrow.  I went for a stroll around campus the other night to reacquaint myself with it and took a couple pictures.

 That's the library, Polk, where I'm sure I'll spend a lot of time come finals.  And I like how they have these neat old timey lamp posts all over-

It's funny how I was a freshman here five years ago, and now I'm finally back to finish my adventure.  I am beyond excited about this. 

Since I keep changing the subject, I was watching Futurama yesterday and heard one of my most favorite Bender lines ever.  He is afraid that nobody will remember him when he's gone, so he graffitis a wall like so -

and then he says "There.  Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt."

Amazing.

And lastly, I leave you with a picture of my Honey.  Please forgive the horrible lighting and the shitty quality, I took it on my phone at 2am.  It was just so cute, he laid down next to me and put his paw right in my hand.

It's gonna be a long day : /

*Click*

I'm gonna start making a conscious effort to photograph more of my life.  I've started reading this blog that Laura (whose teacher blog is here) directed me to - you can find it here - about this woman's day-to-day with her family.  Early last year they welcomed a daughter with Down Syndrome, and it's just neat to read about the things they do and look at her gorgeous pictures of her beautiful daughters.  I know I'm not a good photographer, but I think regardless of skill or equipment, picture-taking is a really neat way to kind of preserve things.

I go through phases where I take a shitton of pictures, and then I take none.  Sometimes I take pictures of myself, to see how I look-

I take pictures with my dad, because he's adorable a I love having them to look at when I'm not at home -

I take pictures of my kitties when they're doing adorable stuff.  Which, since I'm a crazy cat lady, is pretty much all the time.

I take pictures of stuff I think is pretty, like the tree in Grandma and Grandpa Knetter's yard that I used to get yelled at for climbing when I was a kid.

I take pictures when I think things look neat because of the colors, or when I think I'm artistic and am really just taking pictures like a 12-year-old-

I take pictures of things that make me happy, like the cute pencil case I scored for $3 at Walmart for the coming schoolyear

And I take pictures of stuff that makes me laugh.  Because, after all, laughter, love, and music make life truly worth living.

So I guess for now I'm gonna try harder to post pictures sometimes.  I'm not making any promises, because these phases leave as quickly as they arrive.  But I'm gonna try.  Because it makes me happy.

And I'm the boss.

Happythankyoumoreplease

Today I watched a movie.  It's called "Happythankyoumoreplease".  I'm kinda feeling like this is something that everybody needs to see.  Maybe it's not something everybody will like (I'm pretty sure THAT movie doesn't exist), but the message in it is so important.  It's basically about knowing that you're worth being loved, and it's ok to let somebody in.  I don't know, I can't explain it right.  But I loved the way it made me feel.  It also contained one of the most beautiful lines I've ever heard:

"I always thought of that as the moment you came into focus...like, 'Oh, there you are.'"

*Sigh*

Mush Mouth

These conversations happened within a few hours of each other, and I should throw out there that Kellan and Brittney (my brother and cousin, respectively) did not talk to each other during those few hours in between.

Me: I'm gonna go make some muffins.
Kellan: You're gonna go make some weapons?
Me: No, muffins!  Dumbass.

*Later that day*

Me: Brittney, would you like a muffin?
Brittney: A...what?
Me: A muffin.  I made them today, they're delicious.
Brittney: Oh, I thought you said "weapon".
Me: ...Really?

Is it...is it me?

Into The Abyss

You know what blows about moving?  EVERYTHING.

Well, I guess that's not completely true.  The change of scenery is pretty exciting, and I love picking out new things and deciding color schemes and stuff.  But as far as preparation goes?  Fuck that noise.  This rant will be presented to you in non-order-specific list form, because I read a lot of Cracked.com and I love lists.

Top 5 Things That Make Moving a Nightmare:


Finding an Apartment


At some point we all get that restless need to be somewhere other than where we are.  Whether you want to get out of town, out of the state, or even out of the country, you first need a place to go.  Last time I moved, I went from my hometown to a town about 20 miles away.  Apartment hunting there was easy - I worked there, so I was already familiar with where a lot of rentals properties were.  Living so close gave me the flexibility to schedule showings pretty much whenever it was convenient for the landlords, and I found a place within a week.

This time around I moving to a town that's a 2-hour drive from my hometown.  As you might imagine, this makes things a little more complicated.  I can't just go there to cruise around looking for "For Rent" signs.  I had to do a lot of my research online - local online newspaper listings, realty websites, even Craigslist.  I sent emails and made phone calls.  I literally spent 3-4 hours on this daily for almost 2 months.  It was a colossal pain in my ass, but it paid off.  I was lucky enough to find a brand new post on Craigslist that sounded good.  I trusted it without pictures (generally a terrible idea) and I emailed the lady.  She said I was the first to contact her, we set up a showing, I fell in love, and now it's my new place.

So in the end all your hard work will pay off and you'll find an apt or house that you absolutely adore, but your adventure is far from over.  Next you have to contend with...


Packing


Now, I will argue that packing is probably the most important part of moving, except for maybe actually finding a place to live.  But being important doesn't mean it sucks less.  With this particular move I've gotten lucky - I've only been living in my Dad's house again for a couple of months, so my stuff hasn't had much chance to spread out hide itself.  As a matter of fact, I have barely unpacked from my move home, with the exception of my clothes and my video games (priorities, people).  But that doesn't stop 90% of my things from somehow ending up buried in the basement where I just can't find them.

Then there's the packing itself.  It's not enough to just cram as much random stuff into a box as possible, tape that shit shut and send it on its way.  See, I've tried that method before, and while it seems like a fine idea at the time, it makes the subsequent unpacking a complete clusterfuck of a disaster.  In a single box I will find things that belong in the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom, and wherever video game paraphernalia and yarn belong.  After one box, I'm ready to scrap the project altogether.  I resort to digging for stuff when I need it, which eventually results in everything getting unpacked (just in time to pack again for the next move!).

I'm so negligent when I pack that some of my stuff gets damaged or broken, and a lot of it seems to disappear completely, which brings us to...

Buying New Stuff

With each move I must go through a cycle of gaining new things and getting rid of old things.  Whether it's due to a matter of changing tastes or simply a love of wasting money, I would estimate that I replace 65-75% of my stuff every time I move.  Sometimes I need to - things get broken or worn out or become obsolete.  Most of the time, though, there's no logical explanation for it.  I try really hard to rationalize my obsessive replacement of perfectly functional household items ("This blue toothbrush holder just doesn't flow with what I have planned for my new bathroom," I'll say, "And I'm not in love with these dishes anymore!"), but honestly I just like new stuff.

I realize this one can sound like a positive, because hey, who doesn't love shopping?  But you have to consider that I have already put down $1,050 on this apartment, what with the security deposit (including an extra $200 for my cats) and the first month's rent.  Then we have to look at how much money I make.  I won't bore you with the details, but I usually work anywhere from 20-30 hours a week on a salary befitting a part-time video store employee (read: peanuts).  It took about 6 weeks' pay to cover that and have enough money leftover to put gas in my car so that I could get to work.  My point is that shit is expensive.  Really fucking expensive.  But nothing gets more expensive than...

Furniture

I'm fortunate enough to have a giant family on both sides, so when I need furniture I can usually borrow something off of somebody or buy it from them for next to nothing.  I've got a glider rocking chair in my apartment (where I like to sit when I crochet - Crazy Cat Lady FTW!) that I got from my aunt, a loveseat I got from a family friend, and an ugly chair that I got...well I have no idea where it came from.  So that's pretty great, but the loveseat is not very attractive, and I really need an actual couch.  It'll do in the short term, but eventually I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and either buy new (another 2 paychecks, and that's for something low-end) or brave Craigslist and sift through all the ads for a "Beautiful Couch!" - all of which have hideous floral patterns, so I don't know who they think they're fooling.

That's just furniture for one room.  You still need a table and chairs (if your kitchen is big enough or you have a dining room), a bed, a dresser, nightstands, a desk...the list is endless.  At the outset having to gather all these things seems like a fun project.  Once you realize how much you have to spend, and then that you're going to have to not only find somebody with a truck, but move a queen-sized bed up a tiny staircase, suddenly all the fun vanishes, and it's just work.

And then, once you finally have everything (mostly) that you need, we come to the final stage...

The Move Itself


This is it.  The day has arrived.  Time to pack all that shit up in the truck that you hopefully secured from a friend or family member and move it to your new place.  Now is the time when you start to wonder why in the hell you asked for the second floor apt instead of the ground floor, when you realize that the hall closet isn't quite as big as you remember, when you find out that you brought way too much fucking stuff with you.

Unless you've been blessed (I'm employing a very loose interpretation of that word) with 3 brothers like I have, you might need to do some serious bribing to get friends to help you.  Actually, most people aren't assholes, and if you offer them pizza and beer they'd probably be more than happy to assist.  But it helps if you've got family you can rely on, especially when you've gotta move a long way.  You may also have to contend with unfriendly weather conditions, high gas prices, and the hassle of taking pets with you.

In the end, I'm sure it'll all be worth it.  I'm not moving to get away from here, I'm moving to finish school and...well, ok, kind of to get away from here, too.  But I do love my apartment, and I am excited to get there.

I just need to keep remembering that when I am nursing sore muscles and trying to figure out where in the hell I packed my TV remote.

Larry Sugarman

I recently discovered the movie Little Miss Sunshine.  My friend Andy has been telling me to see it for months, and he's not the only one.  I rented it from work 4 or 5 times, but I never really got a chance to sit down and give it the attention I'd heard that it deserved.  I took it home once more last weekend and finally found time for it.  So what did I think?

Holy shit.

Best. Movie.  EVER.  It's my new favorite.  Like, now when a customer asks me "So, what's your favorite movie?" I don't have to laugh and wave them off for being ridiculous.  I can just say "Little Miss Sunshine."  This is huge.  I haven't been able to do that since I was 5 and it was Beauty and the Beast (which will always hold a special place in my heart).

I really can't adequately express how much I enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine.  It's the kind of movie you have to experience.  The writing was excellent and the casting was perfect.  I also really like the way it presents the family - they're kind of crazy and pretty dysfunctional, but I loved that about them.  The story is kind of different, too, which is refreshing (even if I am 5 years late to this party).      

Just do me a big favor and see it.  Then you can let me know how right I am.

Because - trust me - I am.

...

Yup.